Believing
by Ariana6
Summary: *CARBY* Abby's family and life seem to be falling apart due to a tragic incident. Can she handle it? Future fic and AU!! Read and Review!!!
1. Default Chapter

**Believing**

Author's note: This is my first ER fanfic and it's an AU Carby. It's set in the future and this chapter is told in Abby's point of view._*****Flashbacks will be written in italics*****_I hope you enjoy it and that you **review!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)**

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I was a complete fool. To think that I was finally allowed to be happy, that I'd suffered enough. I should have known better... I should have known that was never going to happen to me because if there is a God, He doesn't like me at all. 

Take a look at my past, it'll prove my point. I had an horrible childhood with a bipolar mother who wouldn't take her meds. Then I got married to a guy who didn't love me and who I didn't love back either. I had an abortion, became an alcoholic, got a divorce all of it in less than a year. At this point I think I was more miserable than I have ever been in my entire life. I'd hit rock bottom and the only thing left for me was get my life back together and try to get over this. It wasn't easy. I started again hoping that this time it would be different, that it'd be better.

That's when I met John Carter. I knew he was special from the first time I saw him. His eyes, his smile, his voice, they all made sent chills down my back and it scared me like you wouldn't imagine. 

I didn't allow myself to become too close to him at first. I didn't want to get hurt again. But that was impossible, after some time his love broke the barriers I had built around myself and a beautiful realtionship started. It was just perfect. He was so caring, so great. He helped me get over my bitterness and my pessimism. He helped me become a better person. He didn't turn away when my past came back to haunt and I just nedeed to cry. He didn't turn away when I found it the hardest to fight with my addiction. He protected me and for the first time in my life I felt completely safe, completely happy. 

And I was naive enough to think it would last forever.

And for some time it did, we dated for one great year and then got married in a beautiful ceremony I will never forget.

We bought a nice little house in the suburbs and we decided to start our own family. I remember that day perfectly. I was at our apartment waiting for John to come hom from work....

_"Abby?" he whispered as he entered our apartment quielty, "are you awake?"_

_"No, I'm not" I whispered back sleepily from the couch, my eyes closed._

_"I've got some news", he continued, ignoring my lame joke and approching the couch. He then kissed me soflty, first on my forehead and then on the lips._

_"Really?" I asked pulling him into the couch next to me._

_"Yes", he said, "I didn't go to work today" _

_"You didn't?" I asked him sitting up a bit. "Then where were you?"_

_"Remember the house we saw the other day? The one you loved?"_

_"Yeah, I do...the one we really can't afford" I sighed. What was he getting at?_

_"I bought it" he smiled and started stroking my hair._

_"You what?" I asked, surprised._

_"I'll be working a bit more at the hospital for a while."_

_"John.." I started but he interrupted me._

_"It's worth it. It's the house we both want to start a family in. It's got three rooms, and a big enough yard for our children to play in..."_

_"Children, huh?" I said, unable to stop smiling at him. "I love you so much"_

_"I love you too, sweetie" he said and then he kissed me....and sparks flew._

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Soon after that our first child was born...

_"It's a girl" the doctor said soflty as he placed the tiny baby in my arms. I looked at her and then at John who was standing right next to me, holding my hand and smiling proudly._

_"She's perfect" I said and John nodded._

_"Just like you" he whispered and kissed me softly._

_"What are we going to name her?" I asked, "she really doesn't look like a Millicent."_

_He smiled, knowing I hated that name, even if it was his gamma's._

_"ok then, you pick" he told me and I sighed. _

_"I don't know" I told him. We stood in silence for a couple of minutes and then I said "Maybe Olivia. I think she looks like one."_

_"She does", he told me "and it's a beautiful name." I smiled and then looked at the little girl in my arms. John took her from me and held her close to him. "Olivia Carter" he said "Welcome to our family."_

I just marveled in looking at her, looking at what our love had made. Seeing how we had become one in her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When she was three, her little brother was born. Jonathan Truman Carter the fourth...

_"Daddy?" Olivia asked as she tugged on his pants, trying to make John turn away from the baby he was holding and listen to her._

_John sat on the only chair in the hospital room so that he was on the same level as our daughter. _

_"What is it honey?" he asked while cooing at his son._

_"Does he look like me?" she asked looking at the baby with her huge brown eyes. John's eyes._

_"Yes, I think he does. Quite a bit actually." he smiled at Olivia._

_"Good," she said as she carefully ran her little thumb across little John's face, "because he is really cute."_

_I tried not to laugh and I saw John's eyes twinkling proudly. He stood up carefully and put the baby in my arms. He then carried Olivia so she could see me as well. _

_"Jonathan Truman Carter the fourth" I said softly. John made a small face at that and I smiled._

_"You know you love it John, and I do too."_

_"It's really long" Olivia said softly. "Will you call him that all the time?"_

_"No sweetie", I told her, "he'll be John, just like your father." _

How I loved that name. How I loved looking at our small family and knowing everything was just perfect. I loved seeing how good John was with the kids, what a great father they had. And I was happy for them because they had what I'd always wished I did.

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It's been three years since little John was born. And it's just been two months since everything changed. I just wish I could say everything is going to be alright again, but I just don't know. I'm scared and I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Oh God, I just want the old John Carter back. Please, just give me my husband back....I don't think I can handle knowing that he's gone and has been replaced with _him_. A stranger.

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**To be continued...if you review! :)**

***Ariana***


	2. Chapter 2

**Believing**

**Chapter 2**

Author's note: This is an AU Carby. It's set in the future and this second chapter is also told in Abby's point of view._*****Flashbacks will be written in italics*****_I hope you enjoy it and that you **review!!!**

**Thanks for all the reviews! They really encouraged me to start writing this chapter as soon as possible! Thanks!! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)**

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It all began on a beautiful Saturday morning. The kind of day you'd never think could change your life for the worse. John was having breakfast at the kitchen table in a hurry so he wouldn't be late for work while I tried to get the children to stop playing for a minute so they could have theirs. I finally managed to do so and the four of us sat at the table...

_"Daddy..." a now six years old Olivia whined, "it's Saturday!"._

_"I know that sweetie", John said sighing._

_"Then why are you going to work?" she aked him, giving him the puppy eyes she had gotten from him._

_"Because I'm going to work Auntie Susan's shift today"._

_"Why?" three year old John piped in smiling, sporting a cute milk mustache on his face._

_"Because she's going to have her baby really soon and she can't work anymore" John answered looking at his clock. He then looked at me pleadingly. I shrugged at him and he turned back to our kids._

_"How about we make a deal?" he asked them, "you let me go to work now, and when I get home tonight you guys choose something for all of us to do."_

_"Anything?" Olivia asked excitedly. I looked at John warningly knowing what was coming._

_"Yes, anything" John asked shrugging apologetically at me._

_"Chuck E. Cheese!" shouted Johnny gleefully, clapping his hands. I glared at John. I just can't stand that place._

_John laughed at me while he said goodbye to the kids. Then he approached me smiling sheepishly, and I instantly forgave him for the torture I thought I would endure that night. _

_"I'm sorry sweetie" he told me, "I'll make it up to you."_

_"You better" I said and then kissed him goodbye._

_He smiled at me before turning to leave. _

And that is the last time I've seen John smile. It's ironic that looking back on that day I really wish we had made it to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner.

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After John left, after some begging and a handful of puppy eyes, I was somehow convinced to join my children in a game of hide and seek. John had insisted he could seek, and he was trying to find us unsuccessfully when the phone started ringing.

_"Mommy!" John called me from the kitchen, "Auntie Deb's on the phone". I left my hiding spot behind the living room's couch and saw John running towards me laughing. _

_"Found you!" he said truimphantly, his blue eyes sparkling. I smiled at him._

_"Of course you did," I told him, "you're too good at this." He smiled proudly and followed me into the kitchen._

_"Deb?" I asked picking up the phone, "I thought you were working today."_

_"I am Abby" she said, and the tone of her voice gave me a terrible feeling._

_"Is something wrong?" I asked getting a bit worried._

_"There's been an accident, John was involved..." she started, and I felt my insides go cold._

_"Is he ok?" I cut her off._

_"His injuries are only minor, but I think you should come here as soon as possible. He's not taking what happened very well."_

_"What happened?" I asked part relieved he wasn't badly hurt, part completely scared at Jing-Mei's voice._

_"A car drove past a red light, I think John tried to avoid the crash, so he swerved, but he hit another car instead. It was pretty bad for the family in that car. The only survivor is the father."_

_"Oh God" I said, "I'll be right there, ok?" I had trouble putting the phone back in its place, my hands were trembling so much. I turned and I saw Olivia and John looking at me._

_"Where are we going?" asked Olivia at the same time John asked "Is daddy ok?"_

_I took a deep breath trying to calm myself enough to speak._

_"We're going to the hospital" I started, and was amazed at how steady my voice was, "Daddy had an accident, and he got a bit hurt. We're going to the hospital to pick him up."_

_"Did he get a cast?" John asked._

_"I don't know, maybe" I told him._

_"If he did, can we sign it?" asked Olivia._

_"We'll see, ok?" I told them trying to end the conversation so we could leave. "Now come on, put on your coats, we're going out."_

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

The drive to Cook County was awful. I could barely concentrate on the road. All I could think about was getting to John. When we finally arrived I got the kids out of the car as fast as I could without worrying them and we entered the ER. Randi was at the main desk and she quickly offered to take care of the kids while I saw John.

_"I'm going to see how daddy is." I told them, "You guys stay here with Auntie Randi and be good"_

_"I want to see daddy too" Olivia said stubbornly._

_"You'll see him in a bit, ok?" I told her and she nodded. I turned and saw Deb approching._

_"Hey" she said, "he's in Exam two." I thanked her and rapidly walked towards said exam room. I stopped at the door and took a deep breath. I didn't know what to expect. I finally opened the door and went in._

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

If I had known what state John would be in when I entered that exam room, I would have stayed outside it for much longer trying to prepare myself for it. It would have been useless anyway. Preparing yourself for what I saw, is just impossible.

_John was sitting on the gurney. His left arm was in a cast, and his forehead showed some stitches on its right side. He was shirtless and you could see some angry bruises across his chest. What made me stop dead on my tracks weren't any of his injuries though. It was the look in his eyes. _

_John's eyes were always so full of emotion. It could be joy, anger, sadness, confusion, but you could always see it in his eyes. And at that moment his eyes were blank, his expression empty. He was just staring ahead, looking at nowhere in particular. His face didn't turn to me when I walked in._

_"John?" I called him, hoping he would look at me. He just continued staring ahead. _

_"You're here" he said tonelessly._

_"Are you ok?" I asked him, knowing he was far from it. _

_"I'm fine" he told me and he finally looked at me, but his expression didn't change. "Can we go home now?"_

_"Yes" I said, getting a little closer to him, to help him. But he just stood up and walked with a bit of difficulty to the ther side of the exam room, where a scrub top was laying. He took it and put it on._

_"Let's go then" he said and walked out of the exam room with me following closely behind._

I should have known the nightmare our lives would soon turn into was just starting.

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**To be continued....if you review :)**

mmm....I dunno if I liked this very much, but it'll get better I promise. I think there'll be about 3-5 more chapters. I don't know for sure yet ;)

I want to thank you guys again for all the feedback, it was incredible!! :) :) If you review this chapter like that as well, I'll be thankful forever and I'll try to update very soon! 

_*Ariana*_


	3. Chapter 3

**Believing**

**Chapter 3**

Author's note: This is an AU Carby. It's set in the future and this chapter is also told in Abby's point of view. I think in the next chapter that might change though._*****Flashbacks will be written in italics*****_I hope you enjoy it and that you **review!!!**

*****Just in case, all the events in the chapter are in the order they happened, but the time between each of them is different and can go from a couple of days, to several weeks.*****

Thanks for all the reviews! You guys rock!! :)

**Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)**

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The day of the accident.... the day that changed our lives... the day he became a stranger to his own family... the worst day of my life. 

**I'd lost my John.**

I thought it'd be better. I thought that with my support, with my love he'd come back. He'd stop blaming himself. He'd stop pushing us away.

**But he didn't.**

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_The drive back home began terribly. As soon as I started the car, the radio began playing some awfully upbeat song. John angrily shut it off, scaring the kids in the process. And I realized he wasn't going to try and pretend he was fine, not even for them._

_He spent the rest of the trip looking out the window, as withdrawn from the situation as he could manage. The kids were clearly worried and kept silent, and that gave me a weird sense of relief. I didn't have to deal with any questions right then._

_We got home around noon, and John went directly to our bedroom saying he wasn't hungry and that he wanted to be alone and get some sleep. I spent the rest of the day with the kids, trying to calm them down,explaining them that their daddy wasn't feeling that well and why they shouldn't ask him to play with them like they always did. They were clearly worried, they'd never seen their daddy so unapproachable...so sad._

_From time to time I checked up on John, always planning an excuse as to why I was bothering him just in case. 'Just wanted to check if you're hungry', 'I need a sweatshirt, I'm cold', were some excuses that crossed my mind but that I never got to use. Everytime I went into our room I saw John lying in our bed apparently asleep. I knew better though. He was awake. But I understood he wanted to be left alone and decided to respect that for the time being._

_That night after the kids went to bed, I finally gathered enough courage to go and try to talk to him. I entered the room quietly, in case he was really sleeping this time and slipped into bed next to him. _

_"John?" I whispered softly, trying to get his attention._

_"Hmm?" he said, he had clearly been awake._

_"Are you ok?" I asked him, unable to see his expression in the dark._

_"I'm fine" he said, "I have a headache, that's all."_

_I sighed. "No, I mean..." I paused for a second, "I know you might be feeling bad for what happened today..."_

_"You think it's my fault?" John asked me accusingly, cutting me off._

_"No, of course not!" I told him, "It's not your fault, I never said that. It's just that I thought you might be blaming yourself for what happened." _

_"I'm fine" he said his voice emotionless._

_"I just wanted to tell you that if you want to talk, I'm here, ok?"_

_"Ok" he said, nodding softly._

_We sat in bed in silence for a while. _

_"Good night Abby" he said, and lied down, turning away from me, as far as he could be, considering we both were in the same bed. He had never done that before. We always slept as close to each other as possible._

_...And I lay awake all night, not being able to sleep without his chest as my pillow, and scared to death I wasn't going to anytime soon._

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

He pushed me away every single time. And that made me feel useless for not being able to make him happy again, like he had done with me when we had met. 

And I remember every single time he said or did something so unlike himself, that hurt us, that hurt me so bad that it broke my heart a bit more.

**Until we couldn't take it anymore.**

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_"Don't"_

_"Why not mommy?"_

_I sighed, trying to think of something to say._

_"I can make breakfast today."_

_"But I want daddy's pancakes!" my son said, whining a bit._

_"I can make you those." I told him, hoping he'd agree._

_"No, I want daddy's!" _

_Oh God, I thought, sensing the start of a tantrum._

_"Jonathan, please." I begged him. He must have sensed my desperation because his chin stopped trembling._

_"Can 'livia help you?" he asked me, "she always helps daddy."_

_"Sure, she can help me." I smiled feeling relieved. "I'll go get her."_

_I left the kitchen towards my daughter's room. I came back a minute later with Olivia but John wasn't there anymore. I quickly looked around our small house and my eyes widened when I saw my bedroom's door wide open. Seconds later I heard Johnny crying._

_"Stay here." Olivia just nodded and I quickly headed towards the bedroom. Johnny was still crying, and when I entered he ran and hugged me. I hugged him back and looked at my husband who looked irritated._

_"What happened sweetie?" _

_"...pancakes...daddy...yelled...at me..." the three year old choked between sobs._

_"Stop crying!" John snapped at our son loudly, making him cry even harder. _

_I gave him a look and he had the decency to look momentarily guilty but his expression turned back to the now usual emotionless a moment later. He stood up and left the room._

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

**He made me so mad. **

I wanted to yell at him for making John cry.

My husband would never do that. My John was a caring father that always put his children before himself. Not the one I had seen that morning yelling at our son to shut up when he had upset him in the first place.

**But I couldn't. **

I couldn't yell at him because I couldn't handle pushing him away any further. I was so afraid that if that happened I would never get him back...and I need him. So all I could do was hug my son tightly until his tears stopped.

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_Our seventh year anniversary. _

_Every year we had done something totally romantic. And he had always suprised me with a sweet gesture that made my day. This time I couldn't find it in my heart to change that, so I decided I had to do so something, even if it was small, to celebrate. _

_I arranged for the kids to go on a sleepover at Susan's house and spent the day preparing for that night. I decorated the dining room table with a few candles. Everything was ready. He arrived from work at 8 o'clock._

_He entered the dining room, probably wanting to know if there was anyone home._

_"Hey" he greeted me, "what's all this?"_

_"It's our anniversary" I told him, sighing. I didn't even dare asking him if he forgot._

_"Oh" he paused, "I'm not in the mood for this, I'm tired."_

_"I've been preparing this all day!" I told him disbelievingly._

_"Sorry" he said, not sounding sorry at all._

_I glared at him but his expression didn't change._

_"I'll sleep at the guest room tonight." he told me and left, leaving me with the special anniversary dinner served._

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Am I ever going to see him smile again?

Will I ever hear "I love you" from him?

**What happens to me if I don't?**

This isn't fair.

**But then, who said life was?**

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_"Daddy's different." I looked away from the TV to see Olivia standing by the door. I turned the TV off._

_"Come here" I told her, and she slowly approached the bed, finally sitting down next to where I was sitting. _

_"Is it our fault?" she asked, her eyes sad. _

_"We're bad, that's why he's mad at Johnny and me. We make him sad."_

_"Of course not." I told her. "Your daddy loves you both very much."_

_"Then why is he like this?"_

_"Well, the accident was very hard on your dad, and he's upset about that."_

_"Still? The accident was a month ago." the little girl said doubtfully._

_"Sometimes it takes longer to feel okay again after something very sad happens."_

_"Is it going to take much longer?"_

_"I don't know sweetie." _

_"I hope it doesn't. I miss daddy."_

_"Me too."_

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I felt like crying. Seeing my daughter blaming herself for her father's behavior was terrible. She felt like she wasn't good enough to make her father proud of her! 

**When had it reached this point?**

I didn't think I'd be able to keep the family together, to keep ignoring that everything was ruined.

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_"You have changed" I told him. I needed to have this conversation. I couldn't keep going pretending it was going to be fine. I suppose I had to face my fears and accept that everything had changed._

_ It was past midnight, we were both in bed, but I knew that just like me, he was still awake._

_"People change." he said, shrugging._

_"Not like that. You need help and I want to help you." I pleaded with him._

_"I don't want your help." he said standing up._

_"I can't keep going like this. I miss you."_

_"There's nothing I can do"_

_"Of course there is. I know this is hard on you but it's been two months. I can't keep pretending everything is going to go back to normal any day now."_

_"Good. Because it's not." he says as he turns to look at me._

_"Please John, I love you, the kids love you, but it's just too hard on us."_

_"It doesn't have to be"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean I'm tired about this too. You can't accept I've changed. I'm sorry but I don't think I can try to pretend that we're still a perfect family like you're trying to do"_

_"So you're not even going to try to keep this family, us, together? It's just over?"_

_"I guess I'm not." he paused, "I guess it is." he said, a finality in his voice that made my insides go cold._

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**To be Continued.....**

Ok guys, sorry for the delay on this chapter, but I haven't had much spare time lately. I suppose the length of it is to make up for that ;) Hope you liked it!! Carter POV coming up!! if you review...

_*Ariana*_


	4. Chapter 4

** Believing**

** Chapter 4**

Author's note: This is an AU Carby. ** This is Carter's POV. _*_**_Flashbacks will be written in italics*****_I hope you enjoy it and that you ** review!!!**

Thanks for reviewing !! :) :)

** Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)**

*******************************************************************************************************

I'm lying alone in the uncomfortable motel bed. I've spent the night staring into the ceiling and my back is starting to hurt. It's very early in the morning, there has been some light coming into the room through the small window for a short while now. Despite the great effort it takes for me to get up, I do it, frustrated at the sleepless night that has passed. I don't think I can remember what it was like to get a good night's sleep.

Looking aroud the room I see my suitcase laying on the floor. It's open and all my clothes are scattered around the brown carpet. I think I see my toothbrush there, next to a pair of jeans. I walk over to pick it up thinking about how this mess is all that's left from my angry outburst last night. 

** I've got nothing left.**

Not that I think I deserve anything at all. I don't. I'm a terrible person and what I do deserve is to live a miserable life. I'm miserable now, and in a twisted way I think that's good. 

I sitll can't believe I left home though. I never thought I'd be strong enough to give that up. 

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_"Please John, I love you, the kids love you, but it's just too hard on us." Abby pleaded._

_"It doesn't have to be" I heard myself tell her. _

_"What do you mean?" she asks me, confused._

_"I mean I'm tired about this too. You can't accept I've changed. I'm sorry but I don't think I can try to pretend that we're still a perfect family like you're trying to do" I told her, getting angry at her, at the world but mostly at myself for not being good enough for them. For having to do this._

_"So you're not even going to try to keep this family, us, together? It's just over?"_

_"I guess I'm not." I paused, "I guess it is." I said, keeping my voice steady, detached, knowing it was for the best._

_Abby looked devastated, and I barely managed to stop myself from going over and hugging her. Instead I left the living room, and went into our room, taking a suitcase from the closet and putting as much as my stuff as I could into them. I was halfway done when Abby came in and stood there watching the whole thing silently. I finished and without looking at her left the room. _

_Halfway down the stairs I heard a small, questioning voice calling me. It was Olivia. But I kept going not turning around, knowing that if I did I wouldn't be able to leave._

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Work isn't the same anymore. Saving lives just doesn't give me any satisfaction since I came back to work. 

The charts are piling up and I'm so behind my paperwork that Kerry has had to talk to me about it. I try to get it done, but I just can't focus. 

I never thought I'd hate practicing medicine. But I do now.

** I hate it.**

** I guess it's because I don't care anymore.**

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

_It was a busy day in the ER. I hadn't been able to handle it, and had had to resort to hiding in the only empty exam room I could find. I kept the lights off, hoping nobody would find me if they noticed my absence._

_I had no such luck. After about 5 minutes, Susan ran into the exam room and turned on the lights._

_"Carter! There you are! C'mon there's an MVA coming in, we need you!" she left before I could say anything. I sighed, if I didn't go, I'd get into trouble and that was the last thing I needed. I slowly got up and walked out the exam room, as soon as I was on the corridors, I went into full doctor mode and hurried towards the ambulance bay._

_*~*_

_"Time of death 21:32." I said, looking at the middle-aged man on the gurney. He had been drunk._

_"His wife's waiting outside." Chuny said, pointing to a worried-looking woman standing near the admit desk._

_"I'll tell her." I said, my tone clearly leaving no room for contradiction._

_I had barely left the trauma room, but my patient's wife was already next to me._

_"Is Greg ok?" she asked, almost begging me to tell her he was._

_"Your husband died", I told her "he was driving over the speed limit under the influence." I continued my voice raising, I was taking my anger at his actions on the poor woman._

_"Oh God" she said starting to cry. I couldn't stop._

_"It was his fault. He was being irresponsible and..." _

_"Carter!" I was suddenly cut off. Kerry looked at me disbelievingly. "Stop it! Go outside and calm down."_

_While I walked towards the ambulance bay, shocked at what I had just done, I saw Abby looking at me from the admit desk, and I could see the tears forming in her eyes._

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

I get into my car after work, and start driving. I find myself passing the familiar streets that took me home everyday for so many years. I stop outside the house. The light to what's now just Abby's room is on and I fight the urge to get out of the car and use my keys to get in. 

** I don't belong there anymore.**

I'm horrible. I don't deserve any of them anyway. They are to good for me. I can't have a great family like them, when I killed a mother, when I killed a son. The father that survived the accident should have that. 

** And he doesn't anymore because of me.**

It's only fair I shouldn't have any of that either. 

I get out of the car and walk to the front yard. I can see the kitchen from the window on the side. Memories of the past weeks fill my mind. I haven't been in that kitchen much since the accident. I haven't helped Abby cook, I haven't eaten a meal with them as a family. I remember John asking me to make pancakes fro him one day. I also remember me being horrible to him just after he asked. 

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

_I stared blanky at the TV, not really paying attention to anything being said by the newscaster. My mind was somewhere else, reliving the horrible accident. It happened all the time, and I couldn't, as much as I tried, to think of something else without being reminded of it._

_ Unexpectedly, I was brought back to reality by a small tug on my t-shirt. I jumped a little and when I looked to my side I saw my son standing next to the bed, a big smile on his face. I sighed._

_"Daddy?" he said while he sat on the bed, leaving me no choice but to scoot over to Abby's side to give him some space._

_"Hmm?" _

_"Can you make pancakes today? It's your turn, and your pancakes are yummier than mommy's. She wants to make them but I want you to make them daddy..."_

_"No" I cut him off. I didn't need this. Not at that moment. He looked offended for a moment, but then he went back into full convincing mode._

_"Why not daddy? It's your turn! Pleeeaaase? Please?" he begged giving me his whole puppy-eye look._

_I looked and my son, sitting there. He was *alive*. The other boy who had been in the car I had crashed into, he had been only a bit older that John. He wasn't alive anymore, because of **me. **I suddenly felt horrible. My son continued to look at me expectantly. I began feeling so angry at myself. Before I realized what I was doing, I began taking my anger out on him._

_He began crying and my eyes widened, realization of what I had done hitting me. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I looked up to see Abby entering the room. John ran and hugged her still crying._

_Abby looked from John to me her eyes questioning what I had done. My head started throbbing at the noise of the crying and the stupid TV combined. I looked at her, irritated._

_"What happened sweetie?" she changed tactics, deciding to ask our son instead._

_"...pancakes...daddy...yelled...at me..." the three year old choked between sobs. _

_"Stop crying!" I snapped, my head felt like it was going to explode. All I accomplished was making him cry even harder. _

_Abby glared at me and a horrible feeling of guilt sunk in. What was wrong with me? I was the worst father in the world. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, closing the door and sinking into the floor where I couldn't stop the tears._

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

All I do is hurt them. It's better this way .

** Abby.**

She doesn't understand. At the beggining she tried to help me. She didn't understand I couldn't be helped. She kept telling me to talk to her, but I couldn't.

** I'm sorry. **

I do love you. Please don't think otherwise.

I hope she knows that.  


**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

_"John?" Abby asked me soflty. I sighed, I had thought she was asleep._

_"Hmm?" I answered back._

_"Are you ok?" Of course not, I thought, I just caused the death of a whole family._

_"I'm fine" I said instead, pretending she was asking how I was feeling. "I have a headache, that's all."_

_She sighed, obviously frustrated. "No, I mean..." she paused, "I know you might be feeling bad for what happened today..."_

_"You think it's my fault?" I asked her, feeling even worse that I had been feeling, knowing that she blamed me as well._

_"No, of course not!" she told me, but I knew she didn't mean it this time. "It's not your fault, I never said that. It's just that I thought you might be blaming yourself for what happened." _

_"I'm fine" I said, not caring about anything anymore. ** She blamed me.**_

_"I just wanted to tell you that if you want to talk, I'm here, ok?"_

_"Ok" I said, knowing I'd never talk to her about it._

_We sat in bed in silence for a while. _

_"Good night Abby" I said, not standing the uncomfortable silence that was surrounding us. I turned away from her and spent my first sleepless night trying as hard as I could not to cry._

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

Nothing is fun anymore. 

All the things I used to love to do, they bore me.

Reading, watching TV, listening to my favorite songs, going for a good walk, those things don't do anything for me anymore.

It's not like I feel like doing any of them anyway. The only thing I want is to sleep. I wish I could. I'm so tired.

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

_I sat on the small couch in the motel room. I had a huge stack of the most interesting medical journals I could find. I took the first one and started leafing through it. Seconds later I placed it down. The same thing happened with all of them._

_"Damn it!" I was so frustrated. I sat on the bed and turned the TV on. I zapped through the channels before giving up. I threw the remote to the other side of the room angrily._

_I grabbed some clothes from the mess near the suitcase. I hadn't cleaned it up yet. I quickly changed into my pajamas. I got into the bed and tried to get comfortable. I tossed and turned around for a bit before giving up. I closed my eyes, but sleep never came. I opened them and stared at the now familiar ceiling. _

_Another long night had to pass._

**_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

Most of the time now, I sit alone and think about how life is hopeless and that it holds no meaning for me anymore.

That's when I think I can't go on much longer.

And the I cry, but I'm alone so nobody can hear me.

Nobody.

** ***************************************************************************************

**To be continued....**

**Yes, it was Carter angst by the truckload. It took me quite some time to get it where it is... Abby's POV is much easier. :) Well, you may want to know that I'm following the symptoms of a severe depression to write this, so...changes like this do happen. Next chapter I think we'll have a nice 3rd person narrator to lead us through it..maybe Carter and Abby will get to comment at certain points...but not during the entire thing. Hope you enjoyed, and review!!! :) :)**

_*Ariana*_


	5. Chapter 5

** Believing**

** Chapter ** **5**

Author's note: This is an AU Carby that takes place in the future.I hope you enjoy this last chapter and that you ** review!!**

** It's important to know that this takes place about a month after Carter left home, and that while the first chapters with Abby's POV took place in the present, this chapter still takes place after that, about a month and a half after the first chapter , and a month after the second one.**

Thanks for reviewing chapter 4!

** Disclaimer: I don't know anything you recognize from ER, though I really wish I owned John Carter, or at least be able to borrow him for a while :)**

*****************************************************************************************************************

I fumbled with the key card for a few seconds before the door of my motel room opened. Not having the strenght to stay on my feet much longer, I hurried inside and sat down on the small couch, sighing. I felt completely emotionally drained.

I'd never thought I would meet him.

The only survivor of the accident, the father.

His name was Cole Wyatt, and he had come to the ER this evening, wanting to talk with me. 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_In my shocked daze, I had somehow managed to tell Jerry I was going on a break, and together we went across the street to Doc Magoo's. We had gotten a table and sat down in complete silence, and as we ordered I found myself unable to meet his gaze._

_"Dr. Carter?" he asked softly, and I forced myself to look at him, feeling the guilt course through me as I met his dark green eyes. They were unbearably sad, but in an almost resigned way._

_"John" I said, not knowing were I had found my voice, but not standing to hear this man call me a doctor, a savior of lives._

_He nodded. "I've been wanting to meet with you for some time," he paused running a hand through his light brown hair, "but I decided to wait until I was completely recovered. I didn't want to ask you to meet me in my hospital room." He attempted to smile._

_I continued to look at him, just nodding awkwardly, not knowing what to say._

_"Um, I don't know how to say this but I guess I..", he faltered, "I guess I wanted to see if you were alright." _

_I was taken aback by this. How could he worry about me after all what had happened to him? _

_He noticed this and smiled softly._

_"I guess I knew you might be blaming yourself for what happened." he started, pausing to take a drink from his coffee, "I blamed you at first you know. You, that drunken driver that caused you to swerve into our car and myself. It was awful, just laying in my hospital bed spending half of the day mourning for my family, for what I had lost and the other half blaming and hating everybody." _

_My mind was flooded with thoughts. I felt total despair for what that man had gone through, and in knowing that indeed, he had blamed me for what had happened. _

_My grip on the cup of coffee I was having became stronger and I felt the sudden urge to leave and try to forget about what he had told me. But I couldn't. I owed this man, whose life had been completely shattered, the chance to say all the things he needed to. Even if **I** couldn't take it._

_I was brought back to reality when he started to talk again, his voice, not the one of a man full of hatred._

_"I spend a whole month like that. Before I realized how wrong I was. I don't know how but one day I was able to look at the pictures of my son, Blake, and not feel hatred or complete despair. I actually remembered the good things, you know. His smile, his voice, his laugh, and I felt better. I realized it wasn't my fault or yours. It was an accident, and even thought I do believe it was the drunk driver's fault, I decided I'd stop hating him because he's already receiving his punishment in jail. I don't want to ruin my family's memory with anger for what happened."_

_"I'm sorry", I said, not knowing what else to say, feeling completely amazed by this man's strenght._

_He sighed._

_"It's getting better, slowly, but it is. I know you are a husband and a father as well, and I just wanted to tell you, from experience, that you should try to spend as much time with them as you can. Enjoy every moment you get with them, and please don't waste it blaming yourself. I can tell you're doing enough of that already."_

_He stopped, and my eyes started to fill with tears, even though I never let them fall._

_"Thank you", I said, "I don't think I'd be as forgiving if I had been in your situation."_

_"I have nothing to forgive you."_

_" I...I don't believe that."_

_"You should, it's the truth. I don't want to ruin your life because of an accident, I can't help if mine was but you can, and you should." he told me, his voice raising a little._

_"It's going to take some time. I don't...it's not easy." I whispered._

_"You have to." _

_"I'll try." I said nodding, and he nodded back._

_"Well then, I guess that's all I can do.", he stood up, "I'll see you around."_

_"Thanks again"_

_"I needed to do that, I felt terrible after hating you for so long. You can call it closure."_

_I nodded and watched as he turned around and left, feeling utterly confused, but at the same tiem better than I had in a long time._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now at seven o' clock P.M., I was back at the motel room, watching the rain fall down, unable to stop thinking about the encounter. I still found it difficult to believe.

He had been _**nice**_.

I had always thought he would hate me. He had all the reasons to. I had ruined his life.

And he did, at first, but today, he had told me he had had no reason to blame me _at all._

I felt inmensely relieved. Because of what he'd told me, I felt like there was a small chance he was right. It really was not my fault.

And even if it was, if he had been able to forgive me, then I was allowed to try and forgive myself as well. 

And I wanted to try.

Slowly, as I remembered how I'd treated my own family for the past couple of months I started feeling an horrible dread.

What if I had already ruined everything?

I had been a complete idiot with Abby, with John, with Olivia.

Would they forgive me?

I knew I had to try and make it better.

The least I could do was apologize.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was seven o' clock and it was raining. I was very tired, but I was still reading the kids a bedtime story. Both of them were tucked in my bed, one on each side of it, with me in the middle. I was reading their favorite story but i could see John pouting.

"What's the matter sweetie?" I asked him stopping the story halfway through.

"You aren't doing the voices." he whined softly.

"What voices?" I asked.

"The ones dad used to do." Olivia said angrily. She had been so mad at her daddy for leaving, that when anything remembered her of him, she got angry.

I felt a knot in my throat, and tried to stop my eyes from filling with tears.

"Oh" I said simply. "Sorry kids, but you'll have to hear the voices I do now." I tried, hoping to sound cheerful.

Olivia frowned, but nodded. Little John, on the other hand, got all excited at the prospect of his mummy doing funny voices and laughed, prompting me to continue.

Once the story was over, I waited a little while to make the kids were completelly asleep before getting out of bed slowly, and going to the bathroom and finally cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was eleven, and I had been dozing in and out of sleep for some time, the soothing sound of the rain falling helping me doze off, but with Johnny's constant moving on my right, it was difficult to stay asleep for long.

I heard a sound that startled me from my sleepy state. It sounded like there was a car parking right in front of our front yard. As the noises continued, I decided to get out of bed to see through the window what may be going on. 

I managed, to see through the thick rain, what seemed like a taxi, parked in front of our house, and a tall figure getting out of it. I put on my robe, and went down stairs quietly, to see who had come at such an hour.

I opened the front door, carefully, so I wouldn't get wet and as soon as I recognized the person sitting on the front porch, I felt a complete and utter shock wash through me. 

Forgetting all previous desires to stay dry I went outside to meet him.

As I sat next to him, he jumped and turned to me in surprise.

"I didn't hear you come." he whispered softly, not looking at me.

"You woke me up" I said, completely bewildered at what was going on.

"Sorry", he said sheepishly, "I didn't mean to."

"Then why are you coming here so late?" I asked, a bit irritated.

"I don't know", he paused, "I just... I needed to speak to you so I just came. I didn't notice the time until I was here." He finally looked up at me and my heart fluttered when I saw his eyes. They were sad, confused and hopeful. They were so full of emotion and so beautiful I was left speechless for a moment.

"So what were you planning to do, sit out here all night?" I half-joked not knowing what to do.

"Maybe" he said, again a bit sheepish, "I was trying to figure that out."

"Well I'm here now, what did you want to tell me?" I asked him, trying to keep myself from getting my hopes up.

"I...I wanted to apologize, for how I've behaved since the accident. I was blaming myself for what happened, I guess I still am, but that gave me no right to treat you, or the kids like that. It gave me no right to leave you. It gave me no right to hurt you. And.." his voice started breaking, and I saw his eyes fill with tears. As he started talking again a couple fo them fell down his face, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know it's a lot to expect you to forgive so I'm not. I just needed to tell you this. I needed you to know. 

He stopped talking, but his tears continued, breaking my heart with each sob. I couldn't help myself and just hugged him tightly, starting crying and quietly comforting him, forgiving him. We stayed like that for some time until he broke away from the hug, slowly wiping his tears, not really making much difference, we were both soaked from the rain.

"I'm still not over what happened. I'm far from it. I need time. But I want us to be a family, to stay together. I love you so much. I love you all so much." he resumed his crying and I hugged him again, kising his forehead softly. 

This time I'm the one who breaks the hug, slowly standing up. He looked up at me confused, and I offered him my hand. He took it, with a small smile, the first time he'd smiled in months and together we made our way back to our house, completely soaked but completely happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know we still have a long way before things are actually the way they were.

Actually I don't know if they'll ever be the same.

But we've got another chance.

That's all we need.

After all, I guess I can still believe in happily ever after.

****************************************************************************************************************

The End.

That's it. I hope you liked it and thanks for all the support I've been getting for this fic. I'm sorry I took so long, but i've been terribly busy, and to top it all with a terrible writer's block. Thanks again, and please review!

Ariana


	6. Important!

**Author's note:**

I know this story was finished ages ago...but I've been thinking of writing a sequel to it, following a suggestion one of my reviewers gave me, but since it's been so long I don't know if anyone would be interested in it. I've had a really busy year, but I finally have a little more time so if you want me to continue this just tell me. Depending on the feedback I get, I will decide whether to continue or not.

Thanks!!!

_**Ariana**_


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